Domestic Abuse Exit Planning Checklist

Domestic Abuse Exit Planning Checklist

You need to know that it's normal to feel conflicted about doing what is best for you and/or your children. You will never leave feeling good about what you are doing. You must not let that scare you from doing the right thing. Creating an exit plan from an emotionally abusive relationship is one of the hardest things you will ever do—not because you’re weak, but because you're not. You’ve likely spent months or even years trying to “fix it,” trying to be strong, trying to hold your world together. Walking away doesn’t feel like strength at first—it feels like failure. It feels like abandonment. It feels like betrayal. That’s the trap abuse sets: it makes you feel bad for finally choosing to protect yourself.

You need to know this now: you will not leave feeling good. You will not wake up one day glowing with confidence and certainty. You will leave feeling guilty. You will cry. You will second-guess yourself. You will worry about the abuser more than yourself, because they’ve conditioned you to do that. This is not proof that you’re making the wrong choice—it’s proof that you’ve been controlled emotionally for so long that choosing yourself hurts. That pain is not permanent, but it is real.

It is normal to feel conflicted about doing what’s best for you and/or your children. The emotional part of your brain may still hold onto hope. You may worry about how it will affect the other person. You may feel shame, especially if your abuser has worked hard to convince others that you’re the problem. All of this is emotional backlash—and you cannot let it scare you out of survival. You do not need everyone to agree with you. You don’t even need to feel good about it right away. You just need to do it.

An exit plan is not an act of destruction. It is an act of preservation. It is the lifeboat you build while everyone tells you the ship isn’t sinking. It is hard, lonely work. But it is also your first step toward clarity, healing, and freedom. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone—not even the abuser. You don’t owe a warning. You don’t need to wait for it to get “bad enough.” If you are living in fear, if you are constantly being emotionally torn down, it’s already bad enough.

Part of the exit process is learning to accept that there won’t be closure. You may never get the apology, the accountability, or the understanding you deserve. But you will get peace. You will get distance. And with that space, you will begin to see the truth clearly again. The voice in your head that says “maybe it wasn’t that bad” will fade. The anxiety in your chest will ease. And little by little, the version of you that has been buried under chaos will begin to rise. Leaving is not the end of the story. It is the beginning of your return to self. Don’t wait for it to feel good. Just wait for it to be done. And then—live.

🛑 Domestic Abuse Exit Planning Checklist

For when you need to go, but everything feels like it’s working against you.

🔐 1. Protect Information

•  Clear browser history, texts, emails, and call logs regularly

•  Use incognito/private mode for research

•  Create a new, secret email (Gmail, ProtonMail)

•  Memorize one emergency contact’s number

•  Use code words for danger (“I need to pick up the red folder”)

•  Keep copies of important documents hidden or stored digitally (Google Drive/Dropbox under a disguised name)

  
  

💼 2. Pack a Go-Bag (Hide or Preposition)

Store with a trusted friend, neighbor, or in your car if safe

•  ID (yours and kids’)

•  Birth certificates, Social Security cards

•  Medications + prescriptions

•  Phone charger and backup phone if possible

•  Cash and prepaid debit card (even $20 matters)

•  One change of clothes, keys, hygiene essentials

•  List of phone numbers in case you lose your device

  
  

🧠 3. Mental & Emotional Prep

•  Accept that you will feel doubt, guilt, or fear — do it anyway

•  Write yourself a “reminder letter” of why you’re leaving — to read when you’re wavering

•  Know the abuse will likely escalate when they sense you’re pulling away

•  Practice calm responses or silence when things escalate (emotional disengagement is protection)

•  Name one friend or ally you could trust in crisis — even if you haven’t told them yet

  
  

🗺️ 4. Exit Strategy

•  Know the closest shelter or emergency safe space (even if you never use it)

•  If you don’t have a car: Plan escape routes by foot, bus, Uber, or asking for a ride

•  Choose when you’ll leave: a window when they’re out, distracted, or sleeping

•  Leave a decoy story if needed (“I’m going to check on someone”)

•  If children are involved, teach them a safety cue or exit word

  
  

🧾 5. Legal & Safety Moves

•  Document abuse quietly — audio logs, journal entries, photos, screenshots

•  Record conversations when safe (check legal restrictions)

•  Research restraining order process in your state

•  Sign up for VA, HUD-VASH, or DV shelter programs in advance if possible

•  Apply for food stamps and Medicaid ahead of time if you can — you’ll need ID

  
  

🆘 6. After You Leave

•  Change passwords: phone, banking, social media, email

•  Turn off location sharing, Bluetooth, and tracking apps

•  Alert police or security if they may follow or stalk

•  Avoid mutual friends until you know who’s safe

•  Contact a legal aid office or veteran’s resource center to start paperwork

•  Give yourself time to crash emotionally — that’s normal

  
  

⚠️ Final Reminder:

Leaving doesn’t always mean you feel ready — it means you’re choosing life over slow destruction. You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. You’re surviving.