The Cost of Emotional Dishonesty: When You Lie to Survive and Forget to Come Back

By Theresa Alfonzo, Veterans of the Storm

depressed veteran

There’s a kind of pain you don’t see in hospital records or VA files.

It doesn’t bleed. It doesn’t scream. It just... hollows you out.

Slowly.

It starts the day you choose not to believe how you feel.

Not because you’re weak.

Not because you’re broken.

But because believing the truth would blow your life up.

So instead, you manipulate the truth. You find ways to reinterpret it, reshape it, numb it. You tell yourself: “Maybe it’s not that bad.” “Maybe I’m overreacting.” “Maybe I can make it work.” And boom — you’ve just chosen a lie.

Not because you’re a liar.

But because you were trying to survive.

Here’s the gut punch: Most people who lie to themselves know it.

Not consciously. Not in words. But their body knows.

Their nervous system knows.

So what happens when you try to live in a house built on false ground?

You get a hole in your heart that nothing can fill.

You wake up numb, exhausted, sometimes angry for no reason.

You can’t figure out why life feels like it’s happening around you instead of through you. That’s not depression.

That’s emotional collapse.

It’s the cost of cutting yourself off from your own truth.

We don’t talk about this enough — especially in veteran culture, where “suck it up” and “drive on” are badges of honor.

But emotional suppression isn’t strength.

It’s soul starvation.

And the longer you do it, the more disconnected you become from your instincts, your joy, and your ability to love or be loved without fear.

Eventually, some people break.

Others just fade.

They become empty rooms with locked doors.

Nobody home.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Damn. That’s me.”

Good.

That means there’s still someone in there.

You don’t have to believe the lie anymore.

You can call it what it is: a survival strategy that outlived its usefulness.

And the second you stop denying how you feel — even if it’s inconvenient, even if it threatens everything you’ve built — that’s the second you start coming back to life.

Here is a perspective research analysis based on "The Cost of Emotional Dishonesty: When You Lie to Survive and Forget to Come Back" by Theresa Alfonzo. This article’s core concerns — emotional suppression, internalized dishonesty, and trauma-induced disconnection — especially in the veteran population, are mirrored in current psychological and clinical literature.

🔍 Perspective Research Summary

Key Insight: Veterans who suppress emotions as a survival mechanism often face long-term consequences such as PTSD, emotional blunting, identity erosion, and even cognitive decline. Research shows that emotional suppression is a maladaptive coping strategy closely linked with traditional masculinity norms, institutional culture, and avoidance behaviors — all leading to profound psychological disconnection.

🔬 Academic Perspectives (with Links)

Title	Key Findings	Source / Link
1. Traditional Masculinity Ideology and PTSD	Veterans adhering to emotional restraint norms experience heightened PTSD severity due to suppression.	Neilson et al. (2020), Psychology of Men & Masculinity Link
2. Expressive Suppression in Veterans with PTSD	Suppression is associated with reduced psychological well-being and higher physiological distress.	Khan et al. (2021), Journal of Affective Disorders PDF
3. PTSD and Dementia in Veterans	Emotional trauma, if suppressed long-term, contributes to neurodegeneration like dementia.	Ritchie et al. (2019), International Journal of Mental Health Nursing Link
4. Posttraumatic Wellbeing Factors	Emotional regulation—not suppression—is a key protective factor in trauma-exposed veterans.	Weber et al. (2025), Trauma, Violence & Abuse Link
5. Masculinity in VA Hospice Culture	Veterans in hospice care report emotional suppression as deeply ingrained from military values.	Plys et al. (2020), Journal of Palliative Care PDF
6. Emotion Regulation and PTSD	Veterans with PTSD show higher expressive suppression and lower emotional awareness.	Sippel et al. (2016), Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Link
7. Moral Injury and Emotional Conflict	Suppression can mask deep moral injuries and shame—leading to long-term emotional numbness.	Javaid & Fatima (2024), Pakistan Journal of Law & Wisdom PDF
8. Experiential Avoidance and Psychopathology	Veterans who avoid internal experiences (feelings, thoughts) have higher PTSD and anxiety scores.	Chawla & Ostafin (2007), Journal of Clinical Psychology PDF
9. Shame and PTSD in Veterans	Shame, often hidden beneath emotional dishonesty, exacerbates trauma and isolation.	Gaudet et al. (2016), Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment Link
10. Rumination and Sleep Problems	Emotional disconnection is linked to rumination, poor sleep, and worsened mental health.	Borders et al. (2015), Psychological Trauma PDF

🧠 Key Themes Across Perspectives

• Emotional suppression ≠ resilience: It is often misperceived as a strength but leads to long-term harm.

• Masculinity norms: Cultural expectations prevent emotional disclosure, particularly in male veterans.

• PTSD and suppression: Emotion regulation difficulties amplify PTSD, depression, and moral injury symptoms.

• Neurological risk: Chronic suppression is tied to increased risk of dementia and cognitive decline.

• Intervention strategies: Programs focused on emotional awareness and expression (e.g., EFT, CBT) show promise.